• Jeni Kelsch

The Newly-Wed Game


My son got married last month, I haven’t heard from him since. I think that is ok, it means his cup is full, he is getting his needs met through his wonderful new wife and he is satisfied with the amount of womenlyness in his life. This is all good but leaves me with one problem. I didn’t get a chance to tell him all the unsolicited advice I have brimming inside me. I have so much he can learn from, we could talk, well, I could, for hours about all the intricacies of married life. But since he hasn’t called and probably won’t ever again once he reads this, I wrote them all down for him. Your welcome Quinn.

How to be good at being married:


1. Be Kind

Kind people are courteous people, they pick up their own socks. They wipe the toilet seat because you know there are only two of you there so if you don’t do it, you are making her do it. Making the woman you love wipe up your pee is the fastest way to kill that honeymoon period I can think of.


2. Don’t assume anything

I assumed your father liked animals cause he had never expressed a desire to kill one. Until we got a dog. I was wrong, don’t assume anything.


3. She’s right

She just is.


4. He’s right.

This one is for Liz. I try not to admit it too often, but sometimes the men in our lives can see through the emotions of a situation with a clarity we lack. They are right, and that is a good thing. You have to trust him. Unless he is talking about buying a car, then don’t listen, he’s too emotionally close to see the situation with any clarity.


5. Never get a pet cause it’s cute.

Animal lovers tend to treat animals like people. Animals are not like people, Animals do not compromise well. Puppies do not like to watch TV or sleep all night. Cats do not like to wear costumes…they don’t really care how you feel about it Getting a pet for fun is like having a baby to improve your social life. It is very unlikely it is going to go the way you imagined.


6. Never count the costs.

Marriage is not fair. If it was, it wouldn’t be fun. Getting your change back from the cashier is never exciting, even though you are getting the money you deserve. Winning the lottery is amazing, because it’s money you did not deserve or earn. Sharing tasks equally, dividing burdens evenly, makes marriage boring and predictable. Being charitable, sacrificing for each other, is surprising and wonderful. It makes your marriage a source of joy. Do that for each other. Don’t count the costs, just do it because you can.


7. Pray together- out loud-every day.

Hearing each other’s prayer teaches you so much about your spouse’s heart, their struggles, and their victories. It will teach you to respect and admire each other, to offer comfort to one another. It is humbling and it is beautiful.


I hope I helped. If not, I am sure I could write a new, equally profound list tomorrow. Good luck newly-weds. May you have a clean toilet and only as many pets as you need, all the days of your life.


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